The Cost of NOT

In my post on Modes of Communication, there was one type of communication I didn't mention. That was not communicating. I think in almost every disagreement I have had with colleagues, people I oversee, members of my family, or people higher than me in my organizations the fundamental issue is that communication was mishandled or didn't happen. Even if the information being delivered was something that people would not want to hear, not delivering that information has greater ramifications than delivering it.

There are a lot of reasons to not have those conversations. We might legitimately not have the time in the moment to be able to have the conversation fully enough to give it justice, so we need to hold off. The person we need to have the conversation with may not be in the right frame of mind to be able to hear the message being delivered (more on that later). We might be scared, nervous, afraid, anxious, or any other "flight mode" word about the reaction we will receive to delivering that message. But in the end, the reaction to catching someone completely off guard will be worse than having the hard conversation. Or, not having the conversation will lead to nothing ever changing. The cost of NOT having those conversations is considerably worse than having them, working through the discomfort, and then seeing the change that occurs. You can then recognize the progress when it is made, and celebrate the successes.

I had a teacher last year that had a family member in a really bad health situation, in fact last rights had been read. Unrelated to this family health crisis, this teacher was not showing growth on an important area, which was leading to their students having lower success. I needed to talk with this person about their professional practice, but I also needed to let them know I cared about them and their family. I chose in the moment to only focus on their family, but made sure to come back in a few days when the ailing family member miraculously pulled through to have the professional conversation. That person could hear the message, had some breakthrough ideas of their own, and in the last month or so of our academic year showed incredibly improvements!

In my first leadership role, I had a person I oversaw that was just a mean spirited person. They were abrasive towards others, had no accountability for their own actions or inactions, and when held accountable would unleash ire on those trying to redirect them. My first attempts at being freindly to the person only lead them to see me as someone weaker than them they could walk over. I am not a confrontational person, so when these attempts didn't work, I avoided the person thinking I couldn't make much of a difference. This lead to the colleagues of this person coming to me to complain about the actions of the malcontent, and getting frustrated I wasn't doing enough. The department I had just taken over was quickly unraveling, good people were being hurt, and students were not being served.

At some point that year, my leadership colleagues gave me a book called The No Asshole Rule, and it gave some great advice and encouragement to how to deal with this person. I highly recommend reading it! My taking action in a way that this person could relate to led to them making small changes for short periods of time. But it also allowed for me to start documenting the behaviors as they happened, the courage to redirect this person as needed, and ultimately led to this person being changed roles in the organization. My NOT having conversations was destroying the entire department I was overseeing, and not helping the students we were serving. Starting the conversations led to a different kind of discomfort, but one that ultimately led to the important change that needed to occur.

So the next time you are scared, nervous, hesitant or worried about taking an action, think of the costs of NOT. Sometimes, delaying the action makes sense but you cannot push off the actions you want too long or you will be leading to negative results. And that is not being a leader!