Being a teammate (and maybe a friend)

A local high school baseball coach tells players their team needs teammates, not friends. A friend makes us feel better about ourselves, while a teammate is concerned with improving us. A teammate is looking for what we can do to improve ourselves and the team. Friends often don't want to hurt our feelings and can hide what we need to hear so as not to upset us.

Being a leader means forming relationships with the people we are in charge of and being there for them when they need us. We may be friendly and even friends with the people we lead. But there must be a line where both parties understand that the friend hat is coming off and the teammate hat is going on. Clearly defining these roles is critical for guidance to be given and heard.

When working with someone in any relationship, it is perfectly fine to tell them the role we are currently operating in or ask them what role they want you to play. These roles may be a sounding board, venting chamber, advice giver, shoulder to cry on, friend, mentor, leader, or teammate. Too often in relationships without these roles being known, both parties leave frustrated because the other didn't communicate in the way we needed them to at that moment. We are not mind readers, and one quick sentence about who we need or who we are going to be in the moment can set the tone positively for the communication to be meaningful. And as a leader, the default should be a teammate to maximize each team member's potential.

I equate this to how I differentiate between being nice and kind. Someone is nice when they are pleasant and friendly and say nothing that might embarrass or upset us. Ignoring the open zipper, lipsticked tooth, or food smear on someone's cheek is nice. But then that person goes to try and impress someone they have a crush on or run a meeting at work, and neither goes well as their audience is distracted by the apparent flaw. Being kind sometimes means saying something that could embarrass them at the moment but saves them from a more significant issue later. Being direct with someone is completely appropriate, and usually, the right tone is one that the other person knows you are doing because you care about them.

Friends are nice, teammates are kind. Many people wear shirts and have water bottles with logos of some variation of "Be Kind!" but are nice to others. Sometimes, they are not even that! To be kind teammates, we must first build trust and communicate our intentions. Once that is established, deeper relationships built on mutual respect are built. 

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