Don't Pretend to Listen

Scott Jeffrey Miller is the host of the On Leadership podcast, along with being a prolific author and many other roles after serving in Stephen Covey's corporation for 30 years. He has written a new book on mentoring, The Ultimate Guide to Great Mentorship which discusses 13 roles that mentors take on with mentees. In Chapter 3, he discusses being an "absorber," using empathic listening to hear and understand what your mentee is telling you. Many of us as leaders are not natural listeners, we are doers, talkers, agenda setters, advice givers, direction providers, and on to the next task. Listening well is not a skill many of us have, but all of us need.

He references that Stephen Covey would say, "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." But the silence after the mentee speaks is critical for so many reasons. It allows us as the listener to process what was said, it allows the mentee to think about what they just said, it can force the mentee into adding more, or will lead the mentee to ask questions. The Pareto Principle (80% of results come from 20% of actions), can apply here as well. Listening for 80% of the mentorship meeting and speaking for 20% to truly try and understand what your mentee is needing.

Miller talks about how Covey explained 4 ways in which we "pretend listen" by probing, interpreting, advising, and evaluating. But how can we interpret, advise, and evaluate if we don't understand the lens through which the mentee is viewing the situation. And if we are not really listening to what the person is meaning by their words, or how they are feeling and believing about their current situation, how can we ask appropriately probing questions. Humorously, research by Dr. Deborah Tannen shows that humans have a built in alarm system for when we think the person that is talking should stop. And we make them stop by interrupting them.

To stop ourselves from interrupting when we feel the alarm go off, we need to force ourselves to stay quiet. With little outward appearance, we need to keep our lips sealed, and let a few seconds pass to keep the immediate urge to interrupt at bay. According to Dr. Tannen (as written in Miller's book in Chapter 3), not interrupting will actually get the person to conclude sooner, have them invite you into the conversation and indicate how they would like you to respond. You show you are a better listener, you are less likely to say the wrong thing, they are more likely to come to their own conclusions and own the decision by just finishing their thought, and the conversation will ultimately be more efficient and effective.